Last year I turned 50 years old. Typically my birthdays are not a big deal for me. And I thought this one, while it’s a big number, was just gonna be another birthday.
But on my birthday, I woke up sad. And then that sadness turned into full blown ugly cry. My tears surprised me. So I started examining things in my life, trying to figure out what the tears were about. My life is amazing and I consider myself a pretty well adjusted adult, so I really shouldn’t be crying about anything (not sad tears anyway).
I had a memory of cuddling with my daughter and that made me cry even more. And then it hit me. I miss my Korean Mom. But how do I miss someone that I don’t really even know?
I have few memories of my Korean Mom. She left my Dad when I was 4 and she couldn’t take me with her. I have few memories of her sneaking in visits with me when my Dad was gone. I remember crying and begging to go with her. My last memories of her was in 1994 when I returned to Korea and met her again. We saw each other 4 times during that trip. It’s been almost 25 years now.
When I met her as an adult, nothing was familiar to me. While we had the same hands and eyes, she was not familiar at all. Seeing her did not bring back memories of being held, or eating her food, nothing. And while I was happy to reunite with her, that trip brought me closer to my adoptive Mom because I really saw what a Mom was. To me a Mom is the one who was there for you when you were sad, when you were happy, when you were sick.
So why the sadness?
I don’t know. All I know is that I miss her. I miss the life we could have had as a mother and daughter. And I am certain that is because of the beautiful relationship that I have with my daughter.
How do you miss something you don’t know?
Mea Sparks 